Asleep or Awake

Even More Time Has Flown

2011-08-09T21:49:00.003-04:00

My goodness. How does it go so fast? Jessie is nearly six months old now. Happy, laughing, chubby. She is joy personified. Keeping very busy with working full time and caring for Jessie. Not much time for anything else!

Time Flies

2011-04-19T13:28:00.004-04:00

I can't believe my last post was over a month ago!Well, ok I can totally believe it!Jessie had her naming ceremony on Saturday at Q's synagogue and we've had family visiting since Thursday, which has been great. It was so wonderful to finally see Jessie with Q's parents and his brother and sister. This little baby is well loved.We had a scare at three weeks when Jessie got sick and was in the

Is That Normal?

2011-03-11T12:58:00.004-05:00

I find myself asking that question a lot these days.I have quite a bit of experience with infants, even worked at a daycare taking care of them, but all that experience flew out the window once I was out of the recovery room and settled into the hospital room in the early hours after Jessie was born.Sleep deprived delirium only enhanced my irrational fears of the baby choking or smothering and

Famous Last Words

2011-02-26T21:02:00.009-05:00

Boy, did things take a dramatic turn on Thursday!When I last left you I was anxiously awaiting to hear when the cesarean was scheduled bu I heard nothing the rest of the day, to all our disappointment.Later in the evening, I got up from the couch but it felt wrong to me. It hurt a lot and I felt something strange in my uterus. I walked to the bathroom and then the deluge! My water broke!Q and

Waiting Anxiously

2011-02-24T13:36:00.002-05:00

It's definite. I will be having a cesarean...within a week's time! I'm sitting right by my phone waiting for my doctors' secretary to call with the day and time. My primary doctor, the one who saved our pregnancy and who did the cerclage will be the one to perform the cesarean. I'm glad it's working out that way.The doctor I spoke with today confirmed that due to the membrane issue it's too

Photography

2011-02-23T08:36:00.003-05:00

I wrote this poem a few years ago, just read it for the first in a very long time and it evokes for me a sense of freedom and exploration I haven't felt in quite a while.Like van Gogh’s cedar trees,reaching.Like a Wyeth field, breathing.Reflections mirroring backthe examination of other worlds,worlds within worlds.A flower.No bigger than my fingernailyet within its closed petals,thinner than an

Intermission

2011-02-22T09:35:00.001-05:00

Here's some music I really like.

Wispy Membranes?

2011-02-21T19:50:00.002-05:00

I had my regular tests today and made sure to tell the u/s tech before the AFI that I'd been in a car accident. Of course she found something and the doctor had to be called in to do a more thorough ultrasound. The issue is my amniotic sac has "wispy membranes." The doctor said she'd never seen it before. Can't say I'm happy or proud to be the first.I asked her to explain wispy membranes and

Grateful, if Still a Bit Shaken

2011-02-19T11:31:00.004-05:00

I was on my way to the hospital yesterday for my weekly appointments when I got into a car accident on the highway. Definitely one of the scariest episodes of my life.I got to the hospital as soon as I could and was admitted to Triage then eventually moved to a room in Labor and Delivery where I was under observation and testing for four hours.The baby is doing just fine. I'm feeling much

Week 37

2011-02-16T11:47:00.005-05:00

So tired these days, it's hard to focus on writing. I find thoughts just slip and slide in my brain before falling into oblivion, and any bursts of energy I get are used to prepare for the baby's arrival.I haven't worked on my writing in weeks and my reading is reduced to baby books and to the things I used to avoid, like Sue Grafton books. I just can't seem to grasp anything more complicated.I

To C or Not to C

2011-02-10T10:18:00.003-05:00

That is the big question these days.The baby is still breech. Not "just" breech but she recently settled into a position where her buttocks are down around my pelvis, her head is behind my belly button and her arms and legs? Pretty much anyone's guess these days!So there's been talk about having a cesarean section. I spoke about it with the doctor last Friday, and during our childbirth class,

Reality 1, Fantasy 0

2011-02-06T11:08:00.006-05:00

For a while now I've engaged in hormone fueled visions of losing my husband in some terrible accident so that he is suddenly taken from me and I am left to fend for myself. Very dramatic fodder for my mind, indeed.I think these happen in part because being on bed rest has made me so dependent on Q, in part because I of course do love him and want him in my life and as mentioned, raging hormones.

Lunch

2011-02-04T15:20:00.003-05:00

After dealing with more sobering news at the doctor's office today I decided to treat myself to lunch on the way home from the hospital and ponder the issues.I went to a Bob Evans. I haven't been to one of those in more years than I can count but the idea seemed comforting to me, and I ordered a meal that was frighteningly artery clogging and felt like a rock in my stomach before I was halfway

Err on the Side of Caution

2011-02-03T19:17:00.003-05:00

Several years ago, a cousin of mine who was five months pregnant went to the doctor because she felt no fetal movement. Sadly, she waited days before saying anything and lost her baby. She then went through a nightmare of induced labor for 24 hours combined with an allergic reaction to the inducing medicine that caused her to vomit the entire time. About a year ago, a co-worker was nine months

Quiet Day

2011-01-30T16:42:00.006-05:00

I'm in the fog of a cold or virus and feeling pretty miserable. I'd like to read but find it hard to focus so I've spent most of the day browsing the Internet and am currently eating a bowl of homemade yogurt which feels soothing on my throat.I did take a short walk earlier. Or should I say, a short waddle? That's how it feels these days. I'm sure I was quite a sight, crammed into my coat,

Pregnancy: the Good, the Bad and the Weird

2011-01-27T11:58:00.005-05:00

Boy, did I mess up. Days tend to run together when one is on bed rest, modified or otherwise. I've also been really sick with sinus issues, so imagine my surprise when I received a call from the doctor's office this morning asking if everything was ok. Um. Fine. Why do you ask?Seems I'd missed my weekly appointment and progesterone shot, as well as the second of my twice weekly non-stress

Thank You, Steph for the Blog Award

2011-01-23T11:18:00.004-05:00

I am surprised and flattered that I was named for a Stylish Blog Award by Steph, who writes the A House Full of Faeries blog.My husband came across Steph's blog when he Googled "incompetent cervix" a few months ago and I was happy to find someone who had experienced a very similar incident to what I am going through now, and has gone on to have more children despite the challenges she faces.

Non-Stress Test? I Don't Think So!

2011-01-13T12:37:00.003-05:00

Today began the the much dreaded bi-weekly and weekly tests. I drove myself to the medical office which is a first since this adventure began on October 1. Once a week I go to a hospital much closer to home, and it turns out I'm in the same office where I had the amnio, and the same room where we first heard all the bad news, so that's a bit strange for me.I had my 32 week growth ultrasound and

Restrictions

2011-01-10T13:09:00.003-05:00

Not a fun word. Not a fun way to live. Fortunately, some of my restrictions have been lifted so that I am now on modified bed rest and was also told last Friday that I can drive again and do a little shopping. In addition to my weekly doctor visits, I begin this week with the twice weekly non-stress tests and the weekly amniotic fluid intake tests, so this takes a big burden off of Q's

Peace

2011-01-09T10:09:00.004-05:00

There have always been times of bitter partisanship in politics, and times when hatred and intolerance rises to frightening levels.I think the situation we currently have in our country began in the last Bush Administration, the members of which displayed arrogance, intolerance and outright contempt and mockery for not just Democrats but for anyone who countered their own agenda and world view.

New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T11:14:00.004-05:00

Hard to believe 2010 is nearly over. Even the weather seems a bit surprised by it as it's going to reach the low fifties today and tomorrow after days of very cold temperatures.2010 was full of huge changes and events, and 2011 looms large with loads of possibilities and unanswered questions. As it says in the Dharma, "nothing is permanent, so roll with it." OK, I added that last part but I

Thirty Weeks

2010-12-30T12:38:00.004-05:00

Just got back a little while ago from my weekly appointment at the hospital, only this time I also had to have an hour-long glucose test so all in all we were there for three hours. The cervical exam was especially painful this week and I'm still experiencing pain from it.I am having increasingly worse reactions to the weekly progesterone shots, which we discussed with the doctor. Bottom line is

Something to Look Forward To

2010-12-27T10:36:00.002-05:00

I have been in contact with the woman who organizes the meetings for the Gurdjieff group that I attend and am happy that we will have a meeting in my home, probably this week.Interestingly, I emailed D about having people at my house now that I'm on modified, and she wrote back that they had been discussing doing the same thing!I attended one meeting back in September, this after our Summer break

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T18:06:00.003-05:00

On the rising of the sun,and the running of the deer,the playing of the merry organ,sweet singing in the choir.The Holly and the Ivy

Ghost Baby

2010-12-24T11:22:00.008-05:00

She stares out at us in these photos, seeing but not seeing. Once skeletal, now fuller and fleshier. Three pounds! I watch her heart beat and feel the profound connection we share, and her own burgeoning Self. Formidable form of life!Ghost-like, illuminated, beautiful.

Now I Remember

2010-12-22T19:46:00.001-05:00

As mentioned in the post below we had a growth ultrasound this afternoon. The baby weighs 3 pounds which is slightly above average for a 28 week fetus but still well within normal. Her limbs and organs all look good, too. In fact, all results are very good.We saw her wave her hands around and move quite a bit, then the ultrasound tech moved the wand over Jessie's face and all my depression and

Petulance

2010-12-22T12:13:00.004-05:00

"I give up." I had that thought this morning although that's not what I really felt. I feel discouraged.I'm tired of pain, progesterone shots, doctor exams and tests, constant nose bleeds, swollen sinuses, worrying about going into labor too early, haggling with the insurance company.So I guess in a fit of frustration and self pity I thought, "I give up. Maybe I'll go to bed and refuse to get

A Bit of Good News

2010-12-16T14:17:00.002-05:00

Had my weekly doctor's appointment yesterday and I'm very happy to report that I am now on modified bed rest. It's a small step but one I'm thrilled to take. As happy as I am about this, I was dismayed to find out last evening and this morning that moving around more has brought on more nausea and more vomiting. One would think at this stage in the pregnancy I would be well past all that, but

Brrrr

2010-12-14T08:51:00.002-05:00

We are in the grips of this bitter cold blast that's covered most of the country. This morning it's in the single digits with wind chills at ten below. The furnace hardly stops running these days. Even so, I can't say I'd rather be warm in bed than out and about.It seems Christmas is shaping up to be a non-event this year. Q finally brought in my Christmas decorations on Sunday and I put them

Lovely Objects: Menorahs

2010-12-11T20:27:00.006-05:00

I've always enjoyed all the many styles of menorahs. Here are a few I found that I like.

Poems

2010-12-10T15:10:00.004-05:00

Have to admit, the well has been dry for a while. But as I process all that's happened lately and settle into a reflective quiet, stimulated by my reading, I find the words coming to me again. Below are three I wrote the other night. This is how they have begun but hard to say how they will end up.AmericansThere are billions of peoplewho lived their wholes livesnever feeling the need to start

Have-Tos

2010-12-07T12:20:00.003-05:00

Today is a day of "have-tos."First was a call to the cable company because the Internet connection on my desktop has gone out--again. Nothing like paying $50 a month for terrible service. Then a call to the local Social Security office. I submitted all the forms for my name change back in September and had yet to receive my new SS card. Turns out, they never received the information. This

Different

2010-12-03T14:35:00.004-05:00

This week I had my last ultrasound for a while. The baby was face down and curled up so we couldn't see her face. She's been relatively quiet the past few days which means less discomfort for me but a bit more worry as I like being reassured by the strong kicks and turns. It's difficult to be on bed rest and in this condition and not worry about every pain, or lack thereof. Next week I begin

Miracle

2010-12-01T15:49:00.000-05:00

MiracleKnow this-that every near miss is a miracle.In the early morning lightI watched the bird fly out of the cat’s mouthand knew right down to my bones this is true.Don’t ever think we stand still,life is a constant tug-of-war between that which is fluid and that which is notand love soldiers onside by side with loneliness. These are the things I will profess to believewhen every day I see the

Geology

2010-12-01T15:35:00.003-05:00

I love to learn how the earth used to be. What is now a desert was once an ocean,that which is separated was once whole.The great beauty that was created and then destroyed and then created again as the earth followed its own rhythmsthat when studied from a distance of six billion years becomes a soft undulating motion like a boat on the ocean.Still today,mountains collide and glaciers driftand

Lovely Object: Laptop

2010-11-30T15:46:00.003-05:00

Q bought me a Toshiba laptop for my birthday. It's quite a gift! I haven't even begun to do all I can with it and I'm looking forward to transferring my writing, music and photography from my old desktop to the new laptop. I'm afraid I've spent a little too much time since Saturday playing on it, but it's been a wonderful distraction.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T10:41:00.000-05:00

Isn't every day a day to be thankful?Isn't gratitude something that should flow easilyfrom our lipsour open handsour minds?Do we not wake up every morning,put our feet firmly on the floorand move on towards the future?This in itself is an act of gratitude.All the things we surround ourselves withand label as goodare not worth the effort of saying, "thank you."We breathe inwe breathe out.If we are

Sobering News

2010-11-23T16:14:00.002-05:00

Had my weekly ultrasound today and met with the doctor who did my surgery.As usual, my stitches are holding strong which is always welcome news.Unfortunately, the news from the doctor wasn't so great. We are now heading into more dangerous times when the risk of early labor is high, and I have to double down on my efforts to remain in bed. My only ray of hope is the doctor said that he

Lovely Objects: Peonies

2010-11-19T18:40:00.000-05:00

Here we are heading into a world of floral slumber and I'm thinking about peonies. They have such an audacity about them that I admire; they defy the strength of their own stalk, their giant blooms bending over onto lawns and walkways every Spring.There are many varieties of peonies, no one's sure of the exact number but it ranges from 25 to 40. The flower is named after Paeon, student of the

The Bed Rest Chronicles Part 8: Milestones

2010-11-18T11:46:00.000-05:00

We did it. Reached the first milestone; 24 weeks pregnant without going into labor. The next milestone is...well, I'm a bit confused and can't remember if it's 26 or 28 weeks. But if all goes as it should, by December I won't be having the weekly ultrasounds. By 36 weeks the progesterone shots will end. At 37 weeks the stitches will be removed.The fear of early labor is always with me. But

Lovely Objects: Meditation

2010-11-14T14:57:00.001-05:00

OK. I'm playing fast and loose with the concept of an object. But I had to include meditation as it is all about the good stuff in life. Those things that make you feel content and peaceful and that you want to share with others.Vipassana (wee-pah-sahna) meditation can be a life changing practice. It takes time and practice yet benefits can be experienced the first time one sits, even if it's

The Bed Rest Chronicles Part 7: Holidays

2010-11-14T13:01:00.000-05:00

Oh, boy. Here they come.Kids are still munching on the last of their hoarded Halloween treats and the Christmas advertising blitz has started. In between the two are Thanksgiving, both our birthdays and the little holiday that could, Hanukkah.Oy.Let me just say right off the bat, it can be really hard to let go of those childhood memories that seem to seal forever in a glitter filled capsule

The Bed Rest Chronicles Part 6: Seeing Benefits in the Idea of a Schedule

2010-11-14T12:48:00.000-05:00

There have been times in my life when creating a schedule for myself (much more satisfying than having one made one for me, by the way) has come in handy.When I got my college diploma in 2003 and then couldn't find a full-time job for over a year, it was sticking to my daily schedule that got me through the worst times, and my dedication finally paid off in finding a stable job.And now I believe

Lovely Objects: Cruelty Free Bags

2010-11-09T16:41:00.000-05:00

Just discovered these and am very excited to find them. Pansy Maiden Bags-- all handmade and vegan, too. Not only is the animal lover in me happy, but the design lover as well because these bags have lovely clean lines and a clutter free look.

The Bed Rest Chronicles Part 5: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

2010-11-08T13:49:00.000-05:00

I can't shop for baby items. Or for that matter, items for myself.Sure, I can buy just about anything I need over the Internet but that's not nearly as enjoyable as picking out clothing and furniture for the baby in a store. And I can't even imagine how hard it will be to order a nursing bra without trying it on first.I can't color my hair or get it cut until after the baby is born. Now

Lovely Objects: Polynesian Restaurant?

2010-11-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

Well this one may take a bit of imagination on the part of the reader to be considered a lovely object, but for the writer, it's infused with enough nostalgia to be deemed "lovely."I grew up eating at the Polynesian style Chinese restaurants in the Boston area, but South Pacific was my absolute favorite, and I will even go as far to say that as a little girl I thought it was magical--the

Lovely Objects: Origami

2010-11-04T19:15:00.001-04:00

This was a gifted artist. I was inspired to take up origami a couple of weeks ago after I read about this artist. Unfortunately, what I read was Eric Joisel's obituary in the New York Times. He died much too early but left a wonderful bit of immortality.As a coincidence, I was perusing my Netflix queue, which tends to be long, and found a documentary I'd forgotten I'd added, Between the Folds.

The Bed Rest Chronicles 4: Oh, the Trauma!

2010-11-03T15:43:00.000-04:00

I remember learning years ago that women who were sexually abused as children can struggle with pregnancy and childbirth as the changes in their bodies cause stress and revive painful memories.I can't say that's exactly my situation. However, this isn't to say I haven't had problems. Maybe if my pregnancy had no complications I wouldn't be having the struggles I have, but that's not the case.

Lovely Objects: Tea

2010-10-27T18:30:00.000-04:00

Q brought home this tea the other night and I love it. I mix it with honey and milk and it's like chai.

Lovely Objects: Thai Spirit Houses

2010-10-25T09:57:00.000-04:00

I have one made by this man in my living room and my enjoyment of it never ends. The artist lives in California and has taken part in several exhibits and won awards for his beautiful work.He is a Buddhist who spends a great deal of time in Thailand and loves the culture, something that definitely comes through in his work.Check them out here.

The Bed Rest Chronicles Part 3: The Guidelines

2010-10-24T13:03:00.000-04:00

1. Get clean and dressed every day. Brush hair and teeth; wear comfortable clothes but never wear pajamas and robe all day.2. Don't give in to despair or worries. While it's not possible to remain positive and "up" all of the time, dwelling too long on the negatives does no one any good.3. Time goes by quickly, even while lying in bed. Maintain some kind of schedule in order to keep

The Bed Rest Chronicles Part 2: Husband

2010-10-24T12:16:00.001-04:00

An old Chinese parable:There was a country farmer working in his field and his horse ran away. His neighbors sympathized over his bad luck. "Who's to say what is good and what is bad?" He said.A few weeks later, his horse returned along with a herd of wild horses. His neighbors congratulated him on his good fortune. "Who's to say what is good and what is bad?" He said.While taming one of

The Bed Rest Chronicles Part 1: Background

2010-10-21T17:53:00.000-04:00

I knew from a fairly young age that having children would be difficult for me, but never wanting children this was something I just accepted about myself and didn't explore too deeply. It has only been in the past two years or so that I've had a strong desire to have a baby and my now-husband Q and I started very early in our relationship to get pregnant as we are both well aware of our advanced

Digital Age

2010-09-04T18:47:00.000-04:00

There is no need to talk anymoreclick "like"no one really cares what you think, anywayemoticonnothing but the creak of your desk chairmaybe iTunes in the backgroundmaybe you think everything in your head is a treasurea pearla world all its own that needn't be explored beyond a sense of smug self satisfactionNo need to talk anymore

Into the Unknown

2010-09-04T18:44:00.001-04:00

Pregnant thirteen weeks. Married two weeks.

The Body

2010-05-20T19:52:00.002-04:00

I sometimes feel like my body betrays me.It bleeds at the wrong time and I'm left wondering if something died or something lives.

Biking

2010-04-26T14:53:00.001-04:00

When I am riding my bike and really struggling to breathe, I think of Che Guevera and how he fought a revolution in the mountains of Bolivia even though he had asthma. I conveniently leave out the part about getting captured and shot, that sort of ruins the mood I'm going for.

Hungry Ghost

2010-04-26T14:38:00.001-04:00

You left,and I am sent back out into the world reeling, unmoored, bereft.I have a right to be heard.Women who remain silent are full of poisonand I have for years fumbled through the darkness of my own ignorance.You left me,and I will always hunger in this winter pantry of regret where evocation is entrapment.When will I once again breathe fully, be holy, be full of light?What else is there to

Poinsettias

2010-04-26T14:37:00.001-04:00

The poinsettias have been gone for days.About a hundred plants set among the tropical year round display that is also mercilessly culled nearly every week.The poinsettias are dumped into cheap plastic bags and tossed out, their dark reds, pinks, whites, even purples diluted by the semi-transparency of the bags.At the local Goodwill store, the shelves are full of useless, ugly things. Broken

No Man's Land

2010-04-24T19:07:00.001-04:00

We visited places bordered on wilderness,containing under its summer canopy of trees a potent energythat sometimes spoke to us in a nineteenth century vernacular.The log cabins, the one room church with the strange lightand the small cemetery hemmed in by forestwere familiar to usand we never felt the need to question why this was so.We read gravestones worn down by time and nature and talked of

Totem 1

2010-04-24T19:03:00.000-04:00

In the garden, I thin the young kale and beets,laying the greens on the back steps next to the blood stains.The half paralyzed rabbit lies nearby in the grass, still as the summer sunif not for its rapidly beating heart,homeless and motherless,even more defenseless than it was in its nest.Yet am I not supposed to let nature take its course?When the cat jumped onto the porch the night before,

Life

2010-04-24T18:59:00.001-04:00

Can anyone fully live within their life; be aware of themselves and embrace all of it at once and sustain that awareness? I plan on finding out.

When it All Fell Apart

2010-04-19T21:47:00.001-04:00