Friday, December 3, 2010


This week I had my last ultrasound for a while. The baby was face down and curled up so we couldn't see her face. She's been relatively quiet the past few days which means less discomfort for me but a bit more worry as I like being reassured by the strong kicks and turns. It's difficult to be on bed rest and in this condition and not worry about every pain, or lack thereof.

Next week I begin my weekly doctor visits, which I resent. Up 'til now it's been weekly ultrasounds with twice monthly doctor visits.
After successfully avoiding doctors for years it's hard to have to see them so regularly. This isn't to imply that I'm ungrateful as I know very well if it wasn't for one doctor in particular I would have lost the pregnancy. Pretty amazing when I think about it.

Bed rest is wearing me down. This week has seen terrible pain in my lower back and my right leg, particularly my knee. I've also been having trouble with my sinuses and have a bloody nose every day. And sad to say, I've had some panic attacks. Not major ones but they are bad enough. I've found in the past two weeks that being in the doctors' office can be difficult as I've grown used to the near solitude and quiet and I feel a bit overwhelmed and irritated to be around people and noise again. I also find that even talking on the phone wears me out now. I don't view these as good developments but am unsure at this point what to do about it.

My 41st birthday was Wednesday and Q made it a special day for me with generous gifts and Chinese food and just being a good husband.
Today would have been my father's 82nd birthday. I miss him very much and deeply regret that he is not alive to be a grandfather to our child.

Chanukah began on Wednesday, too. Q brought out his Menorah and we light the candles every evening and Q recites the prayers in English and Hebrew. We definitely need to get some latkes in the mix, though!

I realized the other day I couldn't remember my work phone number.
I did so much at work that it's taken a full-time temp and about half the department to do all my tasks, but my memory is growing fuzzy about things. The department I work in is in the process of instituting a whole new way of doing business so when I do return it will be like learning a new job--which could be challenging and interesting.
My Gurdjieff group has combined with another Gurdjieff group and changed meeting time and place, so that will be something else that will be very different when I finally return.
Well, the world goes on. So does my world, just in a very different way than it used to.
I feel in some ways very different than I did before all of this happened. I think it's changed me in a fundamental way.
Maybe when it's time for me to return to my old ways I won't want to and will look for something different.
Then again, I'll be a new Mom and probably too tired to do much of anything!

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