I can't shop for baby items. Or for that matter, items for myself.
Sure, I can buy just about anything I need over the Internet but that's not nearly as enjoyable as picking out clothing and furniture for the baby in a store. And I can't even imagine how hard it will be to order a nursing bra without trying it on first.
I can't color my hair or get it cut until after the baby is born. Now there's a good look.
The work sponsored baby shower is out.
My goal of being in good physical shape for labor by practicing yoga and light gym workouts is long gone.
Holidays? I can't even stand to think of them. Q and I have December birthdays and I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out how I can give Q a special day without fully taking part in it. The Thanksgiving trip to New England we were looking forward to is out, of course. Don't even get me started on Christmas.
Q and I were married in a small ceremony out of state and so we were planning a party for all our local friends, but not anymore.
Food has become a big issue for me. I'm increasingly frustrated that I can't go to the grocery store and make healthy meals. I know I'm not getting enough protein. In fact, as I type this out I am trying to choke down an awful tasting protein drink to supplement my diet.
I'm rarely able to satisfy a pregnancy craving. And anyone who's had one of those knows how intense they can be.
I miss walking in the woods. Practicing yoga. Photography. On the other hand, I don't miss the dull routines of my job and the long bus commute. I don't miss walking from the bus stop to my office through what I call "the gauntlet" of heavy smokers, spitters and harassers that cover the sidewalks of the city where I work.
It's also interesting to learn of what I did before that I don't miss that much after all. Like volunteering for a local hospice, or cycling. Before I became pregnant I was working towards taking part in a bikeathon and had worked up from not riding at all to 30 miles at a time. Yet I look back on that time and think, "How miserable! All that pain and the difficulties with my allergies and breathing and constant bike breakdowns!"
I'm sure I will enjoy more leisurely rides with Q and the baby, but I have no interest in pursuing cycling heroics again.
Some days are really bad. I feel overwhelming depression and my nerves are raw. The fears of going into early labor and losing the baby can be overwhelming and I worry that a wrong move will tear out the stitches.
I get very bored. I get angry and frustrated. Things that normally wouldn't bother me at all, like a dead battery in a remote or a faulty Internet connection now feel huge to me.
Last night I asked my husband to rub my back because I find that all the hours I spend alone wear on me and I need to feel human touch to calm my nerves and ease the depression.
There are good days and bad, that's for sure. And some days it's hard to follow "the guidelines."
I thought the other day how it's counter productive to think of how I wish life could be, because in doing so I am not accepting how it is and therefore make myself more unhappy and am unable to exist in the present moment.
The days come unbidden then leave us, maybe full of our regrets. There's not much I can control other than how I mentally construct these days for myself.